Let me tell you – I LOVE my jobs. I LOVE directing VBS at church. I LOVE being done with college (at least for now, haha!). And yet…I don’t want to stay in this season of life forever. My mom says I’m restless and always ready for what’s next, some might say I’m discontent or impatient, but I prefer to think of myself as hopeful for the future 😉
My journey into single-hood again comes with so many emotions – gratitude, joy, independence, loneliness, impatience, jealousy, etc. I could tell you that I’m just striving to be a Proverbs 31 woman and holding onto a hope of marriage and motherhood without worry of my future *picture girl dancing in field of flowers with sun rays streaming down and soft piano serenading* (lol NOPE) In reality, everyday I struggle to ignore the whispers of You were not enough for him, or No matter what you say or do, you don’t deserve their time and attention and words, or They left you because there’s something wrong with you...
For as long as I can remember, I have LOVED kids. I remember being so excited every time one of my younger siblings was born. I remember always wanting to help my mom bathe them, change them, feed them, rock them, and when I couldn’t do those things, I’d find my baby dolls and just do it beside her. I adored them and I idolized my mom.
This last week, I got to go to Indiana and take care of my little nephew while his younger brother made his arrival into the world. I cherished every moment! And when I got to meet baby brother for the first time, I thought my heart might explode with pride; they couldn’t get any cuter! And yet…there’s also a twinge of pain.
Each time one of my peers starts dating, gets engaged, married, and/or has a baby, I feel conflicted. I deeply love my friends. I could not be more thankful for my sister and her husband and my brother and his wife and the true friendships that I have found in them! And yet…I also can’t help but wonder when it’s going to be my turn, or if it ever will be. I know that marriage and motherhood are not a promise that God has made to every woman he created and yet I crave and desire it more than almost anything else. Love does not come without pain, and sometimes it hurts to love those that you also sometimes envy.
And yet… that’s not the whole story either. I am formidable. I am a force to be reckoned with. I fall and I get back up again. I cry myself to sleep when hormones are raging and everything seems to fall in around me, and I laugh in the face of fear when I remember who I am in HIM.
Some of the women that I look up to the most, are single. They push me, inspire me, and speak truth over me. They have helped me to recognize the strength that God has given me, they have helped me give life to other dreams that I have, and they have reminded me that I am made whole in Christ with or without a life partner.
It is, no doubt, daunting to think that I have purposefully placed myself in jobs and circles where there are little to no prospects for a romantic relationship much less simply even friendships with peers, and to know that I have chosen to step away from a naturally like-minded community and the kinds of things that every other college age girl is doing.
And yet… man oh man, I can’t wait to love on kids, though not my own, who desperately need to know that they have a place to belong, they are deserving of love, they have an advocate fighting for their side, they can succeed, they can live an abundant life. And I can’t wait to speak into the lives of teenage girls, to tell them who they are and whose they are.
And so, I wait, and I step when God nudges, and I follow when God calls, and I give my ever-changing, restless heart to Him who does not change. I will cling to joy: audacious and unbridled joy, that looks for light in everything, even in my waiting (MHN). Satan won’t steal my joy (nor will any other boy)!
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6
“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:34-35